Delicious Hamburgers

It still amazes me that there is room in this world for more kinds of hamburger. It amazes me even more that most people make BAD hamburgers. It's not hard! Here's my current recipe.

Ingredients:

1 pound ground beef - ground sirloin is tastiest, but regular is good, too, and cheaper. I use low fat, like 93%. Don't listen to people who tell you that lean meat makes bad burgers cuz it just ain't so! Lean meat is very flavorful and can be juicy too.
1 tsp ground ancho chili pepper, or paprika if you don't have ancho
1 tsp garlic powder
1 tsp reduced-sodium tamari, which is like soy sauce but more flavorful - soy sauce is an acceptable substitute, or 1/2 tsp salt if you don't have either
Ground black pepper if you like that sort of thing - I don't, but Ariel does, so I let him put it on his burger after cooking

Gently stir the ingredients together. Be careful not to mash up the meat, since that will make it tough. A pastry cutter can work, but NEVER a food processor.

Form the meat gently but firmly into patties with your hands. You can wear gloves but don't use a press or anything, hamburgers need love.

I like to cook on a Foreman grill machine at 380 for 5 minutes, but you can do whatever you like. The important thing to remember is that you want to use a reasonably high temperature so that the meat sears a little, which enhances flavor.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE JUICE? I hear you ask! If you love your burgers dripping with juice, here is what you do: You mix in breadcrumbs, an egg, or both. You want to use about 1/4 cup breadcrumbs per pound of meat, and/or 1 egg per 2 pounds of meat. That's why I don't usually use an egg unless I'm making a large batch, since my recipe is for only 1 pound and a whole egg is too much for that.

The breadcrumbs soak up the juice to prevent it from leaking out during cooking. The egg works differently - it makes a sort of meat-juice custard inside the burger. It sounds gross but it's good. Eggs and breadcrumbs are the reason why meat loaf is always so juicy (good meatloaf, that is).

Burger Toppings

The most fun part of a burger is what you put on top! I like to pile mine with mushrooms and onions with cheese and ketchup. I hate American cheese so usually use mild cheddar or Colby-Jack, but that's a personal idiosyncrasy. Here's my mushroom-onion topping recipe, which makes enough to top 6 burgers:

1 large white onion
2 portobello mushroom caps
1/4 cup cooking sherry (optional - use broth if you don't want sherry)
1/4 tsp salt
1 tsp minced garlic
Butter or oil

Chop the mushrooms into pieces no bigger than about half an inch, since otherwise they are hard to eat. Slice the onion lengthwise, then cut the slices once widthwise to make them shorter.

Grease a skillet with a little butter or oil and heat over medium-high. Saute the onion and mushrooms until soft, then add the garlic and cook, stirring, for another minute. Then add the broth or sherry and scrape up any stuck browned bits, for flavor. Simmer until the liquid is almost gone.

Babydog's Food

This is just a draft of the dog food recipe I have devised. Baby loves it but it took 2 and a half hours to make, store, and clean up after. It should not be stored longer than 2 days, so must be packaged up and kept in the freezer.

Ingredients:

5 pounds ground pork
2.5 pounds organic potatoes, chopped
3 cups no added sodium V8 juice
4 cups cooked unflavored instant oatmeal
1 red bell pepper, chopped
7 cloves garlic, minced and exposed to air for 10 minutes to develop medicinal properties
1 1/2 tsp each ground ginger and cloves to aid digestion
1 tsp potassium chloride
2 containers Lactaid cottage cheese
6 raw eggs
~1 cup frozen chopped spinach
1/3 cup blackstrap molasses

Boil the potatoes in the V8 juice (this retains the nutrition of the potatoes). Cook the bell pepper and spinach in this pot as well.

Brown the pork thoroughly with the spices, potassium, and garlic. Must cook WELL to kill trichinosis. Break eggs into the meat; cook and stir until opaque.

Combine all ingredients in a stock pot. Puree thoroughly with immersion blender. Pureeing is necessary, because Babydog's gut was so irritated that it moved food through so quickly that he could not break down any chunks larger than a grain of rice.

Supplement with vitamins D and E, and use giblet meats liberally as treats, such as liver or lung. I prefer freeze dried lamb lung as easy to digest and non-allergenic, and give a sweet potato treat that is supplemented with D and E. Those vitamins must be supplemented because they are absent in the food, due to the food not containing 100% of the animal - muscle meat is extremely unbalanced nutritionally, and I have not yet found a good, affordable, digestible ingredient that contains these vitamins in sufficient volume.

WHY AND WHEREFORE:

Why pork? Because it's a less-common protein that he is unlikely to be allergic to, and it contains enough zinc that I need not supplement with zinc. I cannot afford lamb, and I do not believe that poultry is natural for dogs. Wild canids cannot not capture poultry as prey reliably. Their diet consists of ungulate meat.

Why potatoes? Because I try to avoid grain where I can, and because it is non-allergenic and nutritious with a lot of potassium. Dogs need lots of potassium in their diets.

Okay, then why add oats? Because I can afford them :( But also for their nutritional profile. They help fill in the gaps left by feeding only muscle meat instead of a whole animal. Rolled (instant) oats are soft and easy to digest, too. Also, I have had oats highly recommended to me by breeders of my particular breed of dog. Your mileage may vary. I don't think rice is as good as people think it is, though, since it tends to irritate my dogs' guts as often as not. At the very least, the rice must be pureed. Many dogs can't easily break apart the rice starches to get into the grain.

Why ginger, cloves and garlic? The garlic repels pests and also has mild antifungal properties and other healthful properties. Note that it must be exposed to air or these do not develop! The ginger is to smooth out the muscle contractions in the gut, reducing both diarrhea and constipation. It also stimulates stomach muscle contraction, which he was having trouble with - food emptied too quickly. The cloves are soothing and a mild anthelmintic; though that won't kill giardia, it may help his body keep from developing a secondary infestation of roundworms while he is weakened.

Why potassium chloride? Purchasable under the brand name Nu-Salt, this has been recommended to me by vets for all homemade diets, especially for sick dogs. Dogs need lots of potassium, especially when they have the runs and might be losing electrolytes.

Lactaid cottage cheese? Because bone bits would irritate his gut, and yet he still needs calcium. The Lactaid brand is lactose-free and theoretically easy to digest.

Red bell pepper? A rich source of many vitamins he would otherwise obtain from organ meats.

Spinach? Ground-up and cooked, it hopefully comes close to the digestibility of green tripe. Also, he has been ravenously eating grass, and I theorize he has not been able to get some mineral or other that is in greens. Just a guess, though, we will see if it helps - I only just started adding this ingredient.

V8 juice? Same thing. No digestion required when the veggies are juiced.

Molasses? A common ingredient in dog foods that also contains an unusually bioavailable source of iron, which is not as high as I'd like in the pork meat. Blackstrap has more than regular.

Rumbledethumps (Potato Pie)

Every nation in Europe, in fact every tiny geographical region, has its own "leftovers" dish, usually involving potatoes to glue the leftovers together. This one is particularly hearty and makes both a satisfying dinner and a fantastic leftover lunch. You can hold the slices in your hand to eat them, and they don't go bad for quite a while at room temperature, so they are good for bringing places. This is a variant of a Scottish peasant recipe called Rumbledethumps (wikipedia link). What differentiates it from, for example, colcannon or bubble-and-squeak is the addition of a cheese topping followed by baking in a plate.

Ingredients:

4 Yukon gold potatoes, with skins
1 bunch scallions, chopped
1 big box or bag of baby arugula, or baby spinach if you prefer
3 cloves garlic, minced
2 tbsp smart balance or butter
1 cup shredded cheddar
1/2 cup shredded gouda (or additional 1/2 cup cheddar)
1/3 cup shredded parmesan
3 eggs
Salt and pepper to taste (I use none, but the traditional recipe calls for lots, so it's up to you)

Chop and steam the potatoes, or bake them in tinfoil, until soft. Mash.

Saute the scallions and garlic in the butter until they begin to soften, then add the arugula and saute until wilted. Transer to a cutting board and chop (it's easier to chop them after cooking than before).

Heat oven to 350.

Sprinkle half the cheddar into the bottom of a well-greased pie plate. Combine remaining cheddar and all other ingredients (except parmesan) in a bowl and mix. Pour into pie plate and top with parmesan.

Bake for 20-30 minutes or until set but not puffy.

You can eat this fresh but honestly I like the leftovers better!

NOTE: You can replace the cheese with fake cheese quite easily for the lactose-intolerant.

Butterfinger Ice Cream

A huge hit with the Ariel contingent, this recipe contains creamy peanut butter and a butterscotch jell-o for thickness, plus cocoa powder for... well, because chocolate is awesome. The resulting flavor combination is very similar to butterfinger candy bars, except it doesn't get stuck in your teeth.

Ingredients:
1/4 cup creamy peanut butter
1/4 cup cocoa powder
1/3 cup Splenda or equivalent sweetener
2 cups milk
1/2 packet sugar-free butterscotch instant jell-o pudding

Place the peanut butter, cocoa powder, and sweetener in a mixing bowl. Add about 1/4 cup of the milk and mix into a paste. Add more milk, a tiny bit at a time, as necessary to make a smooth paste, stirring with a whisk or a fork. Then keep adding little bits of milk until it's the thickness of syrup. At that point, you can add the rest of the milk all at once.

Add the jell-o powder and mix thoroughly.

The mix is complete! Now just put it into the ice cream maker and freeze according to the directions. This is a good candidate for Smucker's excellent sugar free caramel sundae syrup, or my homemade hot fudge sauce.

Hot Fudge Sauce

Why the heck can't anyone make a sugar free fudge sauce worth eating?? Everything on the market tastes like licking the floor in the Dow chemical factory. I have my own incredibly simple, no-cook recipe. This does not keep in the fridge, so make the amount you plan to eat right then.

Ingredients (for 2-4 servings depending how much sauce you want)
1 ounce baking chocolate (Ghirardhelli is the best, but regular Bakers brand is fine)
4 packets Truvia brand stevia sweetener or equivalent sweetness
2 tbsp milk (low fat or skim is fine)
1/2 tsp vanilla

Chop the chocolate and pour the small pieces into a microwave-safe cup or small bowl. Add the sweetener and 1 tbsp milk, and microwave for 15 seconds.

Attempt to stir the sauce. If the chocolate isn't melted enough, microwave longer, 5 seconds at a time, until it's all melted. This will depend on the power of your machine.

When it melts, stir very thoroughly with a whisk or a fork. Gradually add the remaining milk and the vanilla and stir very thoroughly. If you want to thin it at this point, you can, using tiny amounts of milk at a time. If it gets too thin, let it cool in the fridge, and it will thicken.

If you want it to be hot, serve it promptly. But if you're going to put this on ice cream, you should cool it somewhat first. Put it in the fridge while the ice cream is making, or approximately 20 minutes. When it's cooled, it will be thicker, so you might want to add more milk, a teaspoon at a time, until it reaches the desired consistency.

Again, don't keep this in the fridge. The milk will dry out and form a crust. If you do want to store it, it would keep without spoiling for 2 days, as long as you get a piece of plastic wrap and press it down over the surface of the sauce, so there's no air on the sauce that might cause the milk to dry and form a crust.

I think you will agree that this sauce is incredible.

Note: If you're really intensely watching your calories, it is also possible to make it using cocoa powder, which reduces saturated fat content considerably. To do this, start with 1/4 cup cocoa powder and add the milk very very slowly to form a paste. The sauce will go from too thick to just right to too thin with the addition of just a few too many drops of milk, so go slowly. If you make it too thin, you can't fix it by cooling it, either - the cocoa won't thicken, unlike the chocolate. I find this harder to make and I like the fudginess of the chocolate, but it's a very nice option for dieters to have something sweet and decadent without breaking the calorie budget. It can also be quite high in fiber depending on the brand of cocoa used.

Cilantro: A Public Service Announcement

IT IS OKAY TO HATE CILANTRO.

I felt like I needed to make a statement after I realized I just posted an "authentic" Mexican recipe without any cilantro in it. Mexican recipes always call for cilantro, in magazines. Cilantro is touted as the awesomest herb since sliced parsley, and whole fistfuls of it are normally included in green sauces like my green chile enchilada sauce.

I hate cilantro and I will not allow it in my kitchen.

For a long time, I thought I was just weird, or somehow uncultured or uncouth, because I didn't like cilantro. But it turns out that I'm not alone. Many other people hate cilantro, too, and that is okay.

IT IS OKAY. It's okay not to enjoy an herb. It's okay to be you!!

That doesn't quite solve the herb problem. When making Mexican foods, I always substitute a combination of coriander and oregano for cilantro. Coriander is the seed from the cilantro plant, and doesn't have the same soapy taste (at least not to me). Oregano is actually an authentic Mexican ingredient than many American recipes forget about, so you're actually being true to the recipe's roots by using it. If you need to add a "fresh" flavor, try a squeeze of lime. It will be good!

Green Chile Chicken Enchiladas

Authentic-tasting and delicious. I don't know why I keep making enchiladas, they're about the most annoying food in the world to make. It must have something to do with how good they are. Budget at least 90 minutes to make these. They aren't challenging, just time-consuming.

Sauce:
6 anaheim chile peppers
6 tomatillos
2 yellow onions, chopped
3-5 cloves of garlic, minced
1 tsp cumin
1 tsp dried oregano
1/2 tsp ground coriander
1 cup chicken broth

Filling:
Breast meat from 1 rotisserie chicken, or 1 1/2 cups chopped cooked chicken breast
3/4 cup sour cream (low fat or fat free is fine)
4 scallions, white and firm green parts, chopped
1/4 tsp salt
2/3 cup shredded monterey jack cheese (low fat cheese works well)

Also:
About a dozen 6-inch corn tortillas
Corn oil
More cheese

Cut the anaheim chiles in half, lengthwise - WEAR GLOVES while handling the chiles! Scoop out the seeds and membranes. Place the chiles, skin-side-up, on a broiler-safe baking sheet or a sheet of tinfoil, then place under the broiler. Broil for 6 minutes or until the skins are blackened and blistered. DO NOT leave the broiler unattended. When chiles are done, remove to a heat-safe bowl and cover tightly.

While the chiles cool, prepare the tomatillos. Peel off the husks and rinse most of the stickiness off the skin underneath, then chop the fruit. Tomatillos taste like a cross between a cucumber and a pineapple... people say green tomatoes are a good substitute but I think it would be better to leave them out entirely if you can't find them.

Now prep the filling. Chop the chicken breast and combine it with the other filling ingredients in a bowl.

By now the chiles should be cool enough to handle. Put your gloves back on, if you had taken them off. Peel the skins from the chiles, saving the flesh and discarding the skins. They should come away easily; if they don't, then the chiles weren't cooked long enough. Don't worry about little bits that stick. You're going to be pureeing the sauce anyway.

Once peeled, chop the chiles and put them into a small pot with the onion and garlic and a teaspoon of corn oil. Saute over medium-high heat until the garlic is translucent or the onions are tender, whichever happens first. Then add the remaining ingredients and bring to a boil. Simmer until the ingredients are all tender, remove from heat, and puree until smooth. A regular blender, food processor, or stick blender will all work just fine.

Turn the oven to 350. Heat a small amount of corn oil in a small frying pan, such as a crepe pan or omelet pan, over medium heat. Lay a corn tortilla in the oil and cook for about 30 seconds or until thoroughly heated and steaming, but not until it dries and curls - depending on your tortilla, they may need more or less cooking time.

Lift up the tortilla and place another tortilla underneath it, adding more oil if necessary. Keep adding more tortillas to the bottom until you have 8 or 9 tortillas on the stack. Then remove from the heat.

Pour about 1/2 cup sauce into the bottom of a rectangular baking pan, about 8x12 inches in size. Spread about 1/3 cup filling down the middle of each tortilla, roll the tortilla up and lay seam-side-down in the baking pan.

When all the tortillas are in, pour the remaining sauce over them, and top with more shredded cheese. Bake for about 15 minutes or until heated and the cheeses are all melted. Serve!